In this text I share something from ‘my’ story. It’s just 1 out of 7 billion+ stories, so no, it’s not Truth, not even ‘true’ in the conventional sense of the word, but it’s shared as maybe something to look at, when you are dealing with similar issues (like depression or anxiety) in your life. Of course, all comes without any guarantee, and it does not relieve you of the responsibility to look for yourself. As always it has to be ‘you’ who’s doing ‘the work’.
What I’m about to share, helped me a great deal with overcoming anxiety, depression, and a life long wish to ‘not be here’, ‘not wanting to live’.
Change, nothing lasts, no control
Everything changes all the time. Nothing is forever lasting. There is not a lot we can directly influence. While, in the end it all disappears as if it all has never happened. These observations can be seen, and probably are seen, by everyone reading this. Still, most of us are quite busy denying these ‘truths’, because they scream ‘death’, ‘unimportance’, and ‘futility’.
We as humans, and as a society have declared these ‘truths’ to be our biggest enemies. As a result we (in general) have become so opposed to them, we live in a constant state of anxiety. The feeling it generates can be a barley noticeable fear, or an overall fear of death. While the presence of that fear, in turn, causes all kinds of physical, mental, and psychological disturbances or obstructions.
- Everything changes. But we want to keep things like other people, relationships, life circumstances, or whatever, as they are now. Even if ‘it is over’, we find it hard to ‘give up’. (While, in reality, it’s the only game in town.)
- Nothing lasts forever. Sort of the same mechanism. With the twist of ‘trying to resurrect, what has died’. e.g. a connection with a person, a (shared) liking, or whatever.)
- No control. How much we would like it to be different, we do not have a whole lot of control on our surroundings, including ‘other human beings’. We can advise, but never make another one think different (if he or she does not do the ‘thinking different’). We can get a cup of coffee, but we don’t really know what our next thought will be, who’s the next to leave our lives, or come in to it. We don’t know whether it’s gonna rain or be a sunny day. We don’t know when our last breath will be taken.
- Death is certain. Though we like to run from this one like we were ‘Roadrunner’, we love to say ‘let’s not talk about such a sad topic, let’s keep it light and talk about something more fun’, and even though everything seems to be aimed at prolonging life as long as possible, the angel of death will be knocking at our door one day. No matter how much energy we put in distraction, resistance, or pure denial, ‘death’ won’t go away. And yes, that means within time you will be forgotten, and yes, all you did really happened to have been of no real use. Within time, nobody will care about anything you did, was, didn’t, wasn’t, or whatever.
Worrying and suffering
With that being said, you can probably see the picture; There’s a lot of worrying and suffering going on, which is in and of itself, a futile activity. This worrying and suffering, won’t last either. This worrying and suffering is mostly caused by the (futile) activity of resisting changes, trying to be somewhat important, clinging to ‘that what’s fleeting’, and most of all a fear of death. (Which in my experience is like the mother of all fears.)
Keeping yourself occupied with the activity of resistance towards these ‘truths’, will leave stains on all of your experiences, and keep you active in an ‘inside struggle’, which is already lost. Effectively shielding you from all kinds of opportunities, which in the end could have resulted in feeling happy / happier.
As a side effect it creates the illusion of ‘you being consumed by time’, while ‘time being consumed by you’, might be a more accurate statement.